Monday, July 5, 2010

Whoa No - There goes Tokyo...

West Bend, WI (AP) - For better or worse, Manager Jon 'Torto' Tortomasi's success in this AL season will hinge upon the health of his starting rotation's arms. Today, the opening day roster was declared and PTP fans everywhere are left scratching their heads as Tortomasi clearly neglected offense in favor of arms, and some fragile ones at that.  Will this strategem work? Only rolling the dice will tell.  

Team captain and veteran clubhouse leader, Hideki Matsui, fresh off his latest Japanese ad campaign for Kirin beverages, had only this to say - "なぜ地獄がTortomasiは私のチームのキャプテンというのだろう?私も英語を話さない。どのような典型的なアメリカばか。" 

When pressed by reporters about why he made Matsui the team captain despite the language barrier, Tortomasi shrugged and then tipped his 'Kirin Beer' truckers hat, and cracked open his fourth bottle of Kirin 'Special Premium Reserve' of the conference. "Next question?" was all he responded with.

Here's how things look in the field:
C - Gerald 'G-Money' Laird, Kurt Suzuki
1B - Justin 'Morneau-for-4'
2B - Robinson 'Crusoe' Cano
3B - Mike Lowell, Adrian Beltre
SS - Jason Bartlett 'Pear'
RF - Ryan Raburn
CF - Andrew Sweeney
LF - Maggs Ordonez
DH - Hideki 'Godzilla' Matsui
IF Utility - Ty Wigginton, Orlando Cabrera
OF Utility - Josh Anderson

The starting rotation and bullpen are at least modestly more impressive:
Starting 5 -
1. Roy 'Doc' Halladay
2. Justin Verlander
3. Eric Bedard
4. 'Brittle' Brad Bergesen
5. Matt Garza

The Bullpen -
Robinson 'Don't call me Miguel' Tejada
Brandon Lyon
Tony 'Take Another' Sipp
Octavio 'No-tell' Dotel
Matt Thornton
David 'Aaaarrrrrddsma'

Optioned to Triple AAA Kewaskum were Ian Snell, Pronk Hafner, Casey Kotchman, and Brandon Inge.  Near the end of the conference, Tortomasi made it clear that the club is willing to trade one of their frontline starters if it lands them a high OBP guy or a big bat.


  1. I am pro asian - good work Torto!

  2. Solid squad Torto - you know what you're doing. When I host the Man Club I want to discuss asian art and all that animation stuff. I'll admit, I've fantasized about some of those asian cartoon chicks.

  3. This team's success will largely be driven by the success of my corner outfielder's bats. Maggs should be a solid OBP guy, but Raburn is the question mark. His card is nice, and he has cleanup power, but can he perform up to his smaller sample size of #s?


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