The Torto Marlins Prepared to Impale Opponents

Billy the Marlin says "Sit on this Joe Mauer"

West Bend, WI (AP) - Fresh off a 1st round trouncing in the AL season playoffs, Manager Jon 'Torto' Tortomasi assembled what he claims is his "best team to date".  "I think I can say without a doubt, this team is better than last NL season's championship team".  Of course, right now such statements are all based on paper analysis and boasts like this mean nothing until games are actually played. 

Despite Tortomasi's high spirits about his latest team, his mood quickly soured when reporters wanted to press him on the lackluster playoff performance his team displayed, going down quickly in 5 games - with poor pitching in all 5 starts.  The excuse train arrived right on schedule, as Tortomasi went into a lengthy speech about losing Roy Halladay, and how Joe Mauer deserved to be suspended into next season for his 10-game injury inducing kick to the team's ace. 

"Mauer's suspension of 3 games was utterly meaningless at this point in the season (last game of the year).  His actions were unconscionable, and he should sit for half the season next year", Tortomasi fumed.  "For Roy to lose out on a chance to pitch in the playoffs on that bullsh*t is unbelievable.  Mauer was stealing signs all series, and not even trying to hide it.  Roy had enough, and drilled him.  That's baseball.  You know what isn't baseball?  Kicking somebody with metal cleats. F*ck Joe Mauer.  Who does he think he is? Ty Cobb?"  With that final statement, Tortomasi knocked over the podium and threw the microphone across the room, Hal McCrae-style.

Despite Tortomasi's ire, he does appear to have a respectable NL squad for this new season, with a great blend of power and clutch hitters, youth and veterancy, competent starters, and a solid bullpen.

Here is the game day roster:
1B:  Adrian "A-Gone" Gonzalez (co-captain, soft spoken leader by example)
2B:  Chase Utley (co-captain, vocal clubhouse leader)
3B:  Ryan Zimmerman
SS:  Jamey Carroll
LF:  Jason 'Say Hey' Heyward
CF: Dexter Fowler
RF: Mike Stanton
C: Miguel Olivo, Josh Thole
Bench/Role Players:  Luis Castillo, Lastings Milledge, David Freese, Tony Gwynn Jr., Edgar Rentaria

The Starting 5:
SP1 - Chad "Thunder Thigh" Billingsley
SP2 - R.A. "Don't Pull My" Dickey
SP3 - Wandy Rodriguez
SP4 - Johnny "Tilde" Cueto
SP5 - Jon Garland

The 'Pen:
Daniel Hudson
Matt Belisle
Madison Bumgarner
Mike Adams
Sergio Romo
Brandon Lyon

The following players have been optioned to Triple A Kewaskum:
OF - Jason Bay
Util - Miguel Cairo
C - Nick Hundley
RP - Elmer Dessens