Thursday, January 19, 2012

C'mon, Join the Joyride!

The 2012 San Francisco Giants are looking to have a super season and based on the roster assembled for this season, it should be quite a ride. Defense? We have it. Power? Not so much. Wacky pitching cards? You bet.

After leading the 2011 Kansas City Royals to the playoffs manager Goldy is looking to do the same with this group of has-beens and never-will-bes. In between taking hits from the bong, reserve catcher Geovany Soto noted, "The locker room is all cool, bro. Manager Goldy lays down the vibe with some Crucial Conflict over the stereo and we're all good. I'm stoked bro." Fellow Giant, and stoner, Time Lincecum is also "stoked". "Bro, did you see Sammy Sosa is back to having white skin? We totally win the World Series when Sammy looks like an albino, dude." said Lincecum as he downed a Red Bull and Vodka. Lincecum is also thrilled to team up with fellow starter Shaun Marcum to form "The 'Cum Brothers". All members of San Francisco's alternative lifestyle communities will receive free "Cum Brothers" t-shirts with paid admission.

The Giants are also running several great promotions at the ball park this season. Free shots of Jack Daniels Honey Bourbon every time the designated "Gold Cobra" batter of the game gets a hit for the Giants. Additionally, Chris Denorfia has decided to change his name this season to Sparkles, Professional Male Model. For every hit Sparkles gets, The Giants will provide one lucky fan with a $60 voucher which is good to cover the cost of enrollment at Handsome Boy Modeling School. Finally, following ever Giants Home Run, a stage will rise out of San Francisco Bay and Roxette will play a song from their catalogue of hits while wearing meat helmets. Should be a wonderful season.

In the Field

1B: Jesus "The Jesus" Guzman

2B: Brandon Phillips

SS: Jose Reyes

3B: Placido Polanco

OF: Shane Victorino

OF: Gerardo "Rico Suave" Parra

OF: Andre Ethier

OF: Sparkles, Professional Male Model

UTL: John Mayberry

UTL: Jerry Hairston

UTL: Jonathan Herrera

C: Miguel Montero

C: Geovany Soto

SP1: Brandon "Son of a" Beachy

SP2: Tim Lincecum

SP3: Shaun Marcum

SP4: Tommy Hanson

CB5: Jhoulys Chacin

LR: "Magic" Wandy Rodriguez

SR: Rex Brothers

SR: Aroldis "322 point strikeout zone" Chapman

SR: Ramon Ramirez

SR: Kenley Jansen

SR: Billy "Brasky" Bray

CL: John Axford


Humberto Quintero - C

Darwin Barney - INF

Henry Rodriguez - LR

Jonathan Sanchez - SP


  1. That narrative is hands-down hilarious, top to bottom. Unfortunately, so is that team.

  2. I don't know what's more embarrassing, having 2 pitchers that are young, dumb, and full of 'Cum, or the fact that the Giants organization invested all that money into Honey Bourbon. I'll go with the latter.

    Not sure how runs are gonna get scored with this squad, but it ain't homers, I can tell ya that. Roxanne will need to perform about 6 times all season.

    And don't think I missed the 'CB5' acronym there. For those not in the know, that stands for "Coconut Banger #5".

    1. Honey bourbon sales in SE Wisconsin up 20%. Great read, Goldy! Let's hooketup soon...


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